Kitchen thoughts

I am sitting here working and just had a surge of joy flow through me remembering that our pantry and fridge are full after a big grocery shop last night. Such a great feeling, knowing that when you get home you have a few options for a meal, some new recipes to try. There are potatoes for a curry that is topped with cilantro and a fried egg. A Spanish cheese and some nuts and olives for a snack after work. Fettuccine, sweet red peppers, cream cheese for a one pot meal. Tons of eggs and cheese and coffee for long breakfasts. All of this ready to go before a weekend rather than waiting until the last minute Sunday to grab things we would have needed over the weekend. This knowing, that we are set when arriving home, lets me relax and breathe and look forward to that little kitchen of mine.

Steven and I have a fun idea for a cooking show. We are going to have a "biz" meeting this weekend, just the two of us, with pads of paper and pens and drinks and snacks and we are going to lay out our ideas. Ahhhh yes, the power of planning. We are going to shoot the first episode the first weekend in September. It feels good to have a date set.

I want to write all about my sweet boy. He is getting so big and so fun and so sassy. I am loving every minute and I don't think I have laughed or smiled this much in a long while.

I hope you have lovely weekend. Be safe and happy!

A morning to move on from

I have been feeling restless, listless even. This morning was particularly hard. I stared into space for a good while. Leaned back and looked at the ceiling and felt a deep, deep sadness. An emptiness. A true sense of feeling completely at a loss. We moved to Austin almost four years ago. Almost every day since we have arrived has been hard. Tons of obstacles. Insane money issues. That never seem to end or even cease, to let us feel a moment of feeling ok. Money, such a private affair. It feels like a dirty secret.

There is a girl that I follow from afar. Her husband has been out of the country for a few weeks and will be gone even longer than that. I find myself wondering about her, what it's like to take care of a small child alone, to dream of a husband far away. So strange, wondering about someone that you have never met.

It's starting to get so hot here. Instead of talking about the cold and the snow I guess it's time to start talking about the heat. It is one of the main things. 

Listening to the Cocteau Twins reminds me of the first time that I lived alone. I must have taken great comfort in their music. All I really remember of that time is escaping the small basement apartment to book stores to read any and everything about Julia Child.

Hill Country

The other day I heard a beautiful story on NPR. A man was asked what is a must have meal in Vietnam and he mentioned a dish that has steamed pork wrapped in rice paper. The rice paper is set outside the night before so that dew can collect on the little papers. There is not a more poetic dish to me. A meal made with pure intent.

We found out on Monday that the owner of the house we are renting wants to sell.We need to be out by the end of May. It's a strange feeling, being told to leave. We love this house. So the hunt has begun (my favorite part).

My Mickey turns two on Tuesday. I have no words. I have a million words.

Yesterday we drove around the hills outside of town. So many winding roads. Wild flowers everywhere. A small cafe. A marina at the bottom of the longest road. My soul needed a day like that, hours spent on the road with little stops along the way. It felt like a dream.

Memories

It's so strange to think about the fact that our little son will not remember anything about his life up to this point. That all of the memories are currently in our minds and will not stay in his. The other day we got locked out of the house, in the middle of a windy afternoon. We played in the back yard and then hung out in the front yard and then took a walk in the stroller. After an hour I was tired and getting crabby. I had a fleeting thought that I should try to make this time locked out of the house some magical adventure. Turn my discontent into something very fun for Mickey. Like all of it was no big deal, fun even. And then just like that I remembered that he's not going to remember this, you don't need to go above and beyond and make this some lovely situation. There will be time for that - creating something magical out of nothing.

And so that I can always remember, here are list of the words that Mickey says at 22 months:

November 21

I am going through a phase right now in which I want to write down every single detail of my son. The words he says, tries to say. How he scrunches up his face when he is put on the spot. How he shouts dada dada dada over and over again when dada is not there. His reaction to feeling the wind run through his hair unexpectedly on a windy evening. There are really over a million details to document. I'm sure of it.

He is 19 months old today. I realized that I can start saying he's a year and half. But those month markers, they are a part of this life now. Seconds, days, weeks accumulate to a months time.

My creative juices are slowing creeping (seeping?) back in. I have been reading a lot of articles. Sending music to people. Writing down sentences by others that I want to remember. Thinking about recipes. Falling in love with bloggers that write beautiful things, share beautiful photos (this is nothing new.) I am going to go with it and hope it settles in that way that it can, making everything feel a little better, a little more right.

Roma (city)

The following paragraph has been sitting in my drafts for months. I can remember exactly where I was sitting when I wrote it, what time of day (based on the light streaming in from the window.)

At even the slightest mention of Rome, I feel the biggest surge, a surge that tells me you need to go SOON. I spent a couple days in Rome years ago and it felt big and beautiful and crowded and peaceful in parts. There is a picture of me sitting on a bridge with an expression I can't quite describe. It isn't the best photo of me, but I have loved it all these years, wondering what I was thinking as I looked past the camera, the Vatican sitting behind me in the distance. Since we have been together, Steven and I often talk about working on an album there, living for a month or two.

For some reason I felt it important to share my thoughts on Rome with you, all those months back. And today I couldn't bring myself to erase those words to start a new post.

I very much miss writing posts on here. I think I will ease myself back into this space. A little snip here and there.

Pink flowers, a tree

Before, we lived right near downtown. I didn't notice that we were missing something every night. Until we moved away from the center, to the south, and then west. And we noticed them right away. Stars. All over the sky. I guess once you remove all that extra light you can see the most beautiful lights. I now find excuses to go outside once it's dark. It's so quiet in our neighborhood. Everyone has their porch light on, a sweet warm glow, but it's still so dark, so quiet.

When typing, I have started leaving the letter T off of the end of words. Every time. I wonder why that is.

I have been doing gratitude exercises every day. It is knocking my socks off. I am now obsessed with the law of attraction. Good brings more good. So simple and I have always known this. But to practice it, every day. Now that's another story.

The other day I bought pink hydrangeas. They were so expensive. I saw them from afar and told myself to not even go over to look at them, already assuming they were out of my price range. But I couldn't help it. I walked over and picked them up and it was the best 10 dollars I have ever spent. They filled three vases and are scattered around the house. My mom recently told me that my grandma often did this. Set flowers all about.

My sweet little baby is 10 months old as of yesterday. I have had 306 days with him. This blows my mind, as it so often does for people. He is my best pal. He is crawling and clapping and just starting to give a little wave but is being ever so shy about it. He often wakes up in the morning giggling and talks himself to sleep at night.

My goal this weekend is to hang a mirror, photographs and art from the floor to ceiling on a wall in our dining area. Every day I am so thankful for our new space.

That's all for now.