all we have are words

November 5, 2006

i want to explain winter. how i notice every year that my surroundings turn cold. that the insides of familiar places seem different when the heat is on. how whole sentences spoken aloud have different meanings just because of the weather. last winter i moved my bed along the wall of my room to be closer to the window so that at nite i could stare at the sky that was always eerily light due to the snow. every nite the sky looked the same. when it became spring i inched my bed back to the middle of the room. spring is not the same as winter. the sky doesn't hold as much.

that same winter, i would wait until it became dark to walk to the grocery store. i would alternate scarves before i left the house. i would always wear the same hat. usually i would walk down the street going east to take the shortcut that went through houses, past a pool and by the library. i liked all of the street lamps along the way. sometimes i would go south on the road to cross the main street at an angle without a street light. i usually like to walk outside listening to music. but not in the winter. i like to hear the cold. the silence since everyone is inside. i want to hear everything when it's cold. how snow threatens every other moment.

ultimately, the winter is my least favorite season. but i know that it always comes. so i rearrange my room to make it bearable and i carefully choose scarves before walks. so that i don't feel as alone because winter can be bitter and i tire easily when it's freezing outside, especially when the moon forgets to appear.